"Where there is love, there is no imposition"
~ Albert Einstein
1. Think before you speak- Don't allow the adrenaline rush you feel from a conflict, control you, otherwise you will be reactive rather than proactive. Taking a few minutes to think about what you want to say is a wise investment.
2. Speak Truthfully- One of the worse things you can do is lie. Many lie because they do not want to stand up and take the blame for their actions or admit that they have done something wrong. Everyone makes mistakes; this is how we learn. A good rule of thumb is to stay away from words like never and always. Words like these will come back to haunt you.
3. Transparency- Be open and honest about everything. Don't try to hide behind a fake frontage or facade. This will take being humble and not letting pride get in your way. When you are open and honest, you will be much easier to be listened to and heard.
4. Edifying- A marriage is only as good as its weakest link. However, the weakest link can be strengthened through edification. Building trust and confidence in your partner takes hard work and patience, but it pays great dividends in the end.
5. Avoid criticizing or attacking- trying to put the blame on your partner instead of taking responsibility for yourself, will break all the first four communication skills in one fell swoop. If you are not happy with the others actions, then you need to work with them, to educate them on how things might be handled in the future to improve the situation. Do not take your frustrations out on your spouse, forgetting your role as a nurturer and advocate. There are times when your spouse is going to be confrontational. This should not be fueled and allowed to escalate in front of children or other onlookers. Take control of the situation until you are able to deal with it in another area with the door shut. This will also give your partner time to cool off. If your partner continues to be confrontational and irrational, bringing in a third party- such as a therapist, may be needed to help bring you both back to healthy communication.
6. Proper Timing- Know when to speak and when not to speak. Put yourself in the other persons shoes. Timing is everything. It could be the difference between keeping a friendship and losing it. Always be considerate and take into account all aspects of the situation. Your spouse may be more sensitive about discussing certain issues in public areas. Always show respect for their needs. Again bringing you back to skill one, you don't want to say something you will regret later. Proper timing should be thought about when making a request as well. Not everything needs to be addressed immediately. Prioritize what you need to talk about and wait for a better opportunity for the rest.
7. Kindness and Respect- Kindness and respect go a long way.Before you start sounding off a list of grievances, you should ask your partner about how you are doing and if there is any way you can improve the relationship. This demonstrates personal responsibility and maturity, and shows your spouse that you are serious about their happiness and about your relationship. Avoid accusing statements that begin with "you," such as "you hurt me.' Instead, take responsibility for your own reactions in statements such as, "I was hurt by what you did/ said." Begin with "I" instead of "you."
8. Understanding- When the above skills are neglected, there is a tendency to shun questions, and to not get clarification and understanding. Each partner of the relationship needs to understand what the others expectations of them are and what their duties to the relationship is and be in agreement about these things. Never expect your partner to second guess your needs and desires. We need to ask each other questions in order to better understand one another. This is not always easy because questions can make one feel vulnerable and ignorant; However questions, when asked, not to interrogate, but to better understand what the others expectations are, can be humbling and when answered with respect, can evoke that transparency we need to be good communicators.
9. Be an attentive listener- Being an attentive listener may be the most important part of being a good partner or friend. As has been observed before, we were given two ears and one mouth for a reason. We should be doing more listening than speaking. But "attentive listener" is the key here. To be attentive, one gives his total attention to the person speaking, asking for clarification whenever you need to. Do not interrupt and do not keep a mental list of all the things you are going to say in retrospective of all that is being said to you. When this is going on, you are not listening to hear, but rather listening to defend yourself.
10. Attitude and Body Language- You can master all of the above out of "duty" but if you have an defensive attitude, it will spill out in your body language. Body language is a powerful mechanism that can manipulate the communication. Rolling your eyes, shrugging your shoulders, waving your hands, are all indicators that you could care less about what is being said. Be aware of your attitude and if you must, ask to talk at a different time to give you time to cool off and become more objective. But just make sure you set up another time to reconvene and finish the discussion. Ignoring problems only makes them fester. You need to learn to communicate and work through your issues.
If we want to have a good marriage- to anyone, we have to master the art of good communication. Without communication skills laid as a foundation beneath your relationship,every other effort will be for not.
