Not that it was all bad, nevertheless, Church became a replication of part of the abuse I had escaped from childhood- the endless lectures - only now they were in the form of sermons four times a week, termed "Judgment messages". Never was I "good enough."
Week after week I longed to hear some sort of affirmation, some encouraging message that I was doing good. But instead, the hammer came down. I was told again and again how I should be grateful that God would even allow me to be there. It was a privilege to even serve him.
No matter how hard I worked, how many hours of service I put in, it was never enough. I could never repay the "debt" I owed.
I was never "good enough."
I owed God everything.
Sometimes the testimonies of other people helped, but then the preaching came down like an anvil on my head once again and I was just the horrible person I would always be- never good enough. My attitude always need adjusting. My heart always needed checking. My intentions always needed to be analyzed. They could not possibly be pure.
And they controlled my life- where I could go, what I could wear, what I could do, purchase and even who I could be friends with. I felt the same frustration of unjustified rules I felt with my father at home. Rules that made no sense and could not be explained, that I was just supposed to accept as part of the package of being in this family. Rules that could change when the "rulers" decided to change them. I was expected to obey them, and if I didn't I would be considered as being rebellious, and that held its consequences.
I was often reminded that my life was no longer my own. It belonged to Christ now. But somehow, my life did not seem to belong to Christ at all, but rather to a religious hierarchy that I had no choice or voice in. I thought that Christ was to be the only mediator between me and God. Why were all these people and rules now coming between me and God? I began to feel farther and farther away from God, and more and more dependent on the men. The entire structure created a dependency upon them and "independency" was considered a type of rebellion against God.
I got to the place where I had been when I was around 16 years old. I had snapped back then, realizing that I could never please my dad, no matter how hard I tried.
But this time I realize that this is what religion has done to my faith before God. It has broken it down to the place where I have given up and do not even want to try any more.
Yet, there is a difference...
That difference is...
I have relationship with God.
I trust in the integrity of God's heart.
No matter what men have done to distort it- even in scriptures. I absolutely REFUSE to believe that God is a tyrant.
Not MY God!
***Post note: The church that this is referring to, was not an abusive church in a deliberate manner. But I do believe that there are unhealthy aspects such as those that I have mentioned that correlated to things that I went through in my abusive home and was very triggering to my PTSD. However, their intentions are well meaning and the people have good hearts and a desire to serve and please God. If only they could be more accountable for the numerous people who have been hurt by their ways rather than helped.
