You Must Go Into the Pain

Some one I loved once gave me a box full of darkness;

It took me years to understand that,

this too, was a gift!"

~Author Unknown

Sometimes people ask, "Why can't you just put this behind you? Why do you let something that happened over twenty years ago ruin your life today?" That is a legitimate question that deserves a thoughtful answer. Please pay close attention.

For years, that is exactly what I did. I shut the door on my past and locked it up tight. I had a NEW life and I was not about to let my past interfere with the happiness I could now experience. I had a family, little children whom I adored and wanted the very best for. I threw everything I had into giving them all that I always wanted as a child- LOTS of LOVE and ATTENTION! I was 100% committed to completely forget about ME and focus on my little happy family. And I was pretty successful, although, through it all, I hobbled along. I didn't have a whole lot to draw from as to how to be a good mother, wife or homemaker. And many times my frustrations in myself mounted and completely overwhelmed me.

Our family was very dedicated and active Christians; My children were educated from home. I have so many wonderful and precious memories from raising three phenomenal children. But alas, all along the way, I hobbled- alone, insecure, always feeling inferior to my peers. At church, I never felt secure in Gods love for me. Every mistake I made caused great anxiety that I had brought his wrath down upon myself and my family. Whenever I was in group gatherings I felt watched and different and out of place. As my kids grew more independent, my depression grew, very slowly.

Depression is not feeling sad. Sadness and depression are completely different. When you are sad, there is a particular reason- someone dies and you feel a loss, or something like that. Depression, however is more evasive. Its more of a feeling of hopelessness- of life being completely pointless. Its engulfing and difficult to escape when its icy fingers get a hold of you.

Then, the nightmares began. Consistently I began to have nightmares of little children being beaten and I would be desperately trying to "save" them. Or I would be running from something sinister and evil. A sinking knowing came into my heart, that my past was coming back to haunt me whether I liked it or not.

I kept struggling with things about myself that I hated and wished were different but could never seem to change. One day, after a church meeting I went to an altar of prayer and someone met me there to pray with me. They asked if they could help me with anything. I suddenly began crying as if a dam had broken inside of me. I kept repeating about how I wished things were different in my childhood. In hindsight, I was shocked! I never knew that I was still carrying that around inside me.

One day God spoke to my heart and explained something to me. He said, if a person breaks their leg and never goes and gets it taken care of, that leg will heal itself, but not properly. That person will walk with a limp the rest of their life~ they will be lame. There are many things that will be harder for a lame person to do, than for a person with a normal leg. Also, that person will have phantom pains at times from the original break. Unless, that person sees a doctor and the doctor RE-BREAKS the leg and RESETS the break, he will die a lame man.

But to re-break a leg is painful- even more painful than the first time around. However, once it is SET RIGHT, the lame walk will no longer be an issue.

So it is in emotional healing ~ YOU MUST GO BACK INTO THE PAIN! You must re-experience what you went through, but this time with EXPERTISE help and support- YOU WILL SET THINGS RIGHT! It is YOUR CHOICE! You can CHOOSE to go on and live with your lame walk or you can choose to go back into the pain and correct it and grow stronger. And so, herein lies the answer to the question above of why sometimes one must go back.

One of the most difficult obstacles I have found in my healing journey is the judgement of people who do not understand and who think I should just "put this behind me and not let it bother me." I have learned that for the most part, people are like that because they personally do not want to be encumbered with the realities of life- not their own, nor anyone else's. Its easier to pretend that we are all happy. But we pay a price for that. We walk around lame where we could be made whole again.

One last thought along these lines. Whenever one embarks on a healing journey, it is IMPERATIVE that they have a *"physician-" and a support system in place- no different than any other affliction, you will need help. Otherwise you could do much harm to yourself.

And always keep the goal in view ~ WHOLENESS! So you don't get stuck in a bitter cycle of self-pity!
Everyone has a battle to fight and we can fight, we can WIN and we can be there to help others win too!

*your choice of  "physician" is very personal and should be sought out very carefully. There are various therapists and psychiatrists, but that is not always suitable for every person. Just make sure you have someone who has experience in helping people who have been through childhood abuse and that you personally feel comfortable with the person you choose. This will be a very important relationship.