Are You in a Codependent Relationship?

I. Codependency

1. Not found in the American Psychological Association’s (APA) DSM-V is a book of that is used to identify and define mental disorders. It is not considered a mental illness, yet it is a term that pops up frequently with a disparaging connotation behind it 
2. Originally, codependency was used to describe those who were enablers of alcoholics, particularly the marriage partner. Today, codependency has a much broader spectrum of analysis 
3. Break down codependency: 

• Co: joint, mutual, common 
• Dependency: subordinate, controlled by another 

So we have here two or more individuals that control some aspect of the other. This is usually in the form of emotional control. There is much role playing in a codependency relationship, rather than authenticity. We have the victim/rescuer roles and they can interplay between partners, or, in other words, one can be in the victim role then change over to the rescuer role as the other now plays the victim role.

An article in “Psychology Today,” describes codependency as a:
close relationships where much of the love and intimacy in the relationship is experienced in the context of one person’s distress and the other’s rescuing or enabling. The helper shows love primarily through the provision of assistance and the other feels loved primarily when they receive assistance. The intense shared experiences of the other’s struggles and disasters and the helper’s rescues deepen the emotional connection and feelings of intimacy. In the codependent relationship, the helper’s emotional enmeshment leads them to keenly feel the other’s struggles and to feel guilt at the thought of limiting their help or terminating the relationship. This motivates them to reduce the other’s suffering (and their own) by continued helping and makes them quick to back off of any limits they set.” (“Are You in a Codependent Relationship? Shawn M. Burn Ph.D, July 14, 2013, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201307/are-you-in-codependent-relationship)

Signs of codependency may include:

1. Inability to find happiness or fulfillment outside the relationship 
2. Strong fears of abandonment 
3. Finding your self-worth in being that special someone to the other person 
4. Ignoring your own needs at the expense of taking care of the other person 
5. General feelings of addiction withdraw whenever you move away from the relationship 

Basically, an unhealthy relationship is when that relationship is more of an addiction, rather than a mutual, loving relationship. Addictive behaviors are seen in:

1. Feelings of euphoria- A fix for everything distressing and bad; Those feelings are very transient 
2. Panic over losing or not having the “fix” 
3. Unable to cope without the “fix” 
4. Little or no sense of self, or self-worth without the “fix” 
5. Isolation from friends and family due to the over obsession with the “fix” 
6. The “fix” having complete control over your emotional state 

 The beginnings of any addiction is when we experience something that makes us feel really good, joyful, happy and we are relieved of intense distressing feelings of depression, abandonment, loneliness, pain or illness. But when this experience fades, the undesirable feelings resurface and overwhelm us. We don’t know how to alleviate these negative feelings and aspects of our lives and the only relief we have found was in the experience. So we seek it out, again and again, each time becoming more habitual and more needed to bring the desired relief.

Sooner or later we begin to realize that the “fix” although it may bring temporary relief from anxiety, depression and other unwanted feelings, it can never, ever take the pain completely away. In fact, the “fix” begins to become part of the problem, because it keeps us from recognizing, acknowledging and seeking help for the real issues that are causing our discomfort and unhappiness. It is not until we realize this that we begin our road to recovery.

Facing the real issues our pain is coming from can be one of the bravest and yet most life-impacting steps we ever take. Learning how to turn and face our pain, to validate it and to take care of our needs will little by little, eradicate the addiction.

Sometimes, what we are addicted to, is not in and of itself, harmful. But the addiction to it renders it harmful- such as a food addiction, or a relationship addiction. The food, or the person (unless the person or food is unhealthy) are not bad- in fact, they are very needful to self-care. But when we grab onto anything in order to evade dealing with those aspects of life that are scary and uncomfortable, that becomes unhealthy.

So the short-hand of recovering from codependency is you have to deal with the core of your own wounds. If you break your foot, taking pain pills will only go so far. You have to deal with the break before you are going to heal. Otherwise, the pain pills will eventually cease to work. Emotional trauma and injury is just as real, and has just as much devastating effects and physical trauma and injury.

In my scope of understanding, I see all relationship as being somewhat codependent. If you think about it, why else would you be in a relationship? If there is absolutely no dependency for comfort, validation and feeling needed, what is the need for an intimate relationship? If every relationship that was co-dependent broke up, we would have no more relationships. A relationship becomes unhealthy when it becomes addictive- when one cannot find other sources for their basic emotional needs, and they hold the person in the relationship responsible for their needs being met.

Many people have had childhoods where their developing emotional needs were ignored and/or denied. Perhaps certain emotions such as anger or crying were unacceptable. Whenever I cried, my dad would call me a baby and tell me I was feeling sorry for myself. My mom would become very nervous and agitated if we cried and she was not comfortable with her own emotions. Anger was absolutely unacceptable and could result in punishment.

Many very religious homes hold emotional expectations on their children that are way beyond their emotional development, such as teaching them to ignore their own needs at the expense of others. This is cloaked in “nice” terms such as “self-sacrifice” or “unselfishness.” In a child who has not even completely developed his or her sense of self, this can have devastating effects. Teenagers bred under this type of pressure may become very unhappy, sometimes reckless and even suicidal.
Whenever you press down who you are- your needs, your desires- you become DE-pressed!

Parents, who have not healed of their own wounds may project what they personally want or think they should be, onto their children, not accepting their child's uniqueness and autonomy. This is very prevalent in religious-based homes. It is one thing to teach a child about God, and another to insist they render themselves to this unseen and unknown God, to pacify the fears of parents. How can a child give their life that they do not fully yet possess, to and entity they cannot fully comprehend? Many times parents demand of their children the pious life that they themselves have not been able to master. Children are denied curiosity, self-exploration and expression and the space they need to be authentic; it’s all sacrificed at the religious altar of their parents.

Many parents believe they are raising a pious individual and find out too late that instead, they have created an insecure, self-destructive, shell of a person. The beautiful authentic child was lost long ago in the barrage of over-zealous and ignorant projections. The child, now in a grown up body, yet still very emotionally under-developed, enters into relationships with the familiar aspects of control and manipulation.

Key- AWARENESS

The more aware we become, the more we are able to live our life with intention and purpose. Relationship should be entered into with agreement by both parties, rather than stumbled upon and waded through.